Peter McGraw reflects on the question, “Are you the hero in your life’s story?” After announcing a more spontaneous podcast release schedule, Peter dives into the idea of being the active protagonist in one’s life. Using the Hero’s Journey and Virgin’s Promise as frameworks, he unpacks the ways we can break free from domestication—society’s “rules” that hold us back from pursuing our dreams.
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Listen to Episode #232 here
Solo Thoughts 16: Are You the Hero in Your Life’s Story?
The Solo Project And Crossroads
Solo thoughts Sixteen. Are you the hero in the story of your life? Welcome back. Some announcements and some thoughts before I get to the topic of this episode. With the show approaching its five-year anniversary and with 230-plus episodes, I’m making a change to how I tape and release episodes.
Rather than a regular schedule, I’m going to be more improvisational, typing up episodes when I feel like it and releasing them when they are ready. I hate to disappoint readers who like the predictability of a schedule, but fortunately, there are hundreds of hours of content in the back catalog, as well as other shows popping up to fill the void.
You are getting a Solo Thoughts episode now. These episodes always take a bit more effort, but I love the creative freedom they offer. It’s a chance to explore an idea or follow a spark of inspiration alone. The change to the show is motivated in part because I find myself at an unexpected but intriguing crossroads. I have realized that I have accomplished everything I set out to do with the Solo project and more perhaps I should have dreamed bigger.
In addition to the show milestone, there was the Today Show hit, which broadly introduced the solo movement to the world, and of course, the book is out the guide for anyone not interested in consuming those hundreds of hours of content. I gave a TEDxBoulder talk with the provocative title, Stop Telling Single People to Get Married, thus adding a new channel, YouTube, to get the word out. I suspect that talk will be published by the time you read this.
More and more voices are joining the Solo movement. They are coming in the form of new podcasts as well as new books celebrating single living. I have featured some of them here, such as the Party of One episode. With all this in mind, I’m beginning to ask important questions. What do I want to do with Solo next, if anything at all? I’m working on a couple of related secret projects. They are stretching my mind and challenging my skill set in ways that are both exciting and uncomfortable. One will likely see the light of day, the other, I’m less sure about.
Reflecting On Academic Journey
I experienced my twentieth work anniversary as a professor at CU Boulder. Notice I did not say I celebrated my twentieth anniversary, as there was no celebration, but the milestone caused me to reflect and remind myself of the enormous mountain I have climbed, made up of accomplishments, growth, sacrifices, failures, friendships, and even a few foes. Foes is a strong word. I’m being hyperbolic for effect but let’s say that some of my colleagues don’t value my shift in topics or mediums. They have told me to my face and through their evaluations of my work. Not that I expect them to support my endeavors. They’re smart people with a clear sense of the rules of their game, create scholarly work of a particular type and publish it in a particular place, that is, write research papers and submit them to prestigious, peer-reviewed journals with ultra-low acceptance rates.
As the good little academic boy, I have done my share of that if I could not or would not, I would have been unable to climb this mountain, and my senior colleagues would have shown me the door. I still have research projects that will satisfy my colleagues as much as my colleagues can be satisfied but I find the academic publishing process at this point at best boring and at worst soul-sucking, especially when compared to the excitement and freedom of showing, writing essays, and books. Projects, while challenging, are far more enlivening, with fewer gatekeepers and broader reach.
As I reflect on the 35th year on the academic track, I am pleased to say that I have also accomplished everything I set out to do and more. Perhaps I should aim higher. In any case, I am grateful and harbor no regrets. I feel that I’m at the beginning of something new. It might be time for something else, especially while I’m still young or at least relatively so.
I feel like I’m the dog who finally caught the car I have been chasing for years and now the other dogs are barking at me to drop it and stick to what I know. I’m thinking, why not figure out how to drive and drive that car into a post-academic life? What will that post-academic life look like? I’m formulating the plan. I want to be semi-retired, semi-nomadic, and semi-ascetic.
Living a simpler, slower, analog life, with large swaths of time in South America, learning a second language Spanish as you can tell, I need to learn Spanish, immerse myself in a new culture, and let life unfold without the academic deadlines and the pressures that have shaped my world to this point.
It’s exciting for sure, but I have to admit, I’m scared. I’m a risk-taker in many ways, but not when it comes to money. My finances take up a lot of emotional space. My financial security was so scarce for me for so long that I battled a scarcity mindset, even in my new abundant world. Perhaps you feel the same way. The thought of giving up a steady, ample paycheck is scary, even though I have done a good job saving and my tastes, thankfully, aren’t too extravagant. Though, I do like my fancy box in the sky.
Domestication and the Hero’s Journey
Therefore, it seems like a perfect time to revisit a metaphor I’m obsessed with, something I talk about in the book, and on the show, and something you may be also wrestling with domestication, and no, I’m not talking about taming wild animals, though in a way, maybe I am. I’m talking about the way society tames us and how we get domesticated by expectations, responsibilities, obligations, habits, and routines. Following the rules, and these social norms is what makes us so successful. As a species, and often as individuals, however, not all the rules are created for our benefit. Nor do the same rules serve us well at every stage of life. Sometimes the game changes, yet no one tells you. Thus, there are times when you need to bend, even break, the rules as needed. Yet that is so difficult to do
Many of us begin with dreams of adventure, freedom, and maybe even greatness but over time, we trade those dreams for something safer, more conventional. We end up feeling stuck, turning to fantasy to escape the mundane fantasizing about a retirement someday, for example. It’s as if we are placed in a cage, not one with bars, but one made from family expectations, career tracks, mortgages, routines, and those paychecks.
Along those lines, I want to share a draft of an open letter that I’m crafting for my students. This is the fifth open letter that I have written to my students, expressing my concern and hoping to inspire them. In my previous letters, I have asked my students to read books, put pen to paper, never surrender, and, in a phrase you are familiar with, “Create more than they consume.” This letter shares the same title as this episode, Are You the Hero in Your Life’s Story? I’m sure I will tighten it up and tone it down, but here’s what I have at the moment.
The Open Letter to Students
Dear students, few stories have captured the imagination of readers across generations quite like James Thurber’s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Published in 1939, the story is an iconic piece of American literature exploring the inner life of a person who escapes the drudgery of daily existence through vivid fantasies. Whether as a brave naval commander, a skilled surgeon, or a fearless fighter pilot roles, unfortunately, all unrealized. Walter Mitty, a meek and ordinary character on the surface, reveals through his inner world a heroic, adventurous version of himself, leading to the creation of the term “Mittyesque,” used to describe those lost in grandiose fantasy.
The story is a classic because it touches on something deeply human, the gap between who we are and who we wish to be. It is timeless because it speaks to people’s desire for more meaningful, exciting lives and the too-often sad reality that they never bridge that gap. Henry David Thoreau noted this over a century before when he wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
Thurber’s sharp, often dry humor exposes the deeper truth of human nature, desperation, longing, and the tension between inner dreams and outer realities. What makes Thurber’s story poignant, or in my view, outright sad, is that Walter Mitty never truly escapes. His fantasies, while vivid and heroic, remain just that, fantasies. Mitty’s real life is dominated by banality and small humiliations. His grand internal world is forever at odds with the dullness of his external world. His fantasies are a brief respite from a passive existence, but ultimately, in my opinion, they reinforce how powerless he feels day to day.
Despite its melancholy brilliance, Thurber’s story leaves me unsatisfied. Thurber gives us no resolution, no transformation. Mitty’s fantasies don’t lead to growth or change. They’re merely a coping mechanism for his unremarkable life. My heart aches for Mitty. Trapped in his imagination. Longing for more but unable or unwilling to act on his desires alas.
Enter Hollywood with the 2013 film adaptation. Kudos to Ben Stiller, who stars in and directs it, which captures Mitty’s essence while taking a more satisfying step forward, transforming passive fantasy into an active, real-world hero’s journey. Where Thurber leaves us with a sense of unfulfilled potential, Stiller’s film seizes that potential, making Mitty’s journey an active one filled with risks and rewards. Where Thurber’s Mitty retreats into the imagination to cope, Stiller’s Mitty heeds the call to adventure, leaving his ordinary world behind.
Pushed to the brink by obligations, Mitty in the movie steps out of his comfort zone and ventures into the unknown. His fantasies become a practice for heroic adventures fighting off a shark, fleeing an erupting volcano, and climbing the Himalayas in search of an elusive friend. Each experience propels him further into a risky world, changing him as he discovers his capabilities and courage.
In one of the more uplifting sequences in the movie, Mitty finds himself on a long, winding road in the stunning Icelandic landscape. He joyously skateboards down the deserted road, weaving between the curves with ease. The camera sweeps through the rugged scenery, capturing Mitty’s freedom as he glides effortlessly, the wind whipping through his hair. Skateboarding is a callback to something he used to do when he was a teenager, something he loved to do but had given up when he left behind his childish hobbies to step into the responsibilities of adult life. This callback, this transformation of taking up the skateboard again, makes the film powerful to me as I watched, my heart burst with joy. I cried, moved by the journey from fantasy to remarkable reality.
I suggest that the modern Mittyesque life, as envisioned by Thurber, is more tragic than he imagined. Nowadays, instead of escaping into heroic fantasies, our faces are too often in front of a screen, consuming other people’s art, achievements, and adventures. It is a less dramatic, yet more destructive, version of fantasizing.
Dear students, I am concerned about you. The real danger doesn’t come from risking failure, it comes from sticking with the status quo and I ask, “Are you truly happy with the status quo?” I like to say the difference between dreams and fantasies is that dreams can come true. With that in mind, dear students, dream more and then act. Please throw your damn phone in the ocean and then go for a swim. Throw your damn phone in a volcano and continue your trek, enjoying the scenery. Throw your damn phone off the highest mountain you can climb, and then walk down in peace.
When you get home, pick up that guitar you never play anymore or find those charcoals you used to draw with. Dust off that old pair of running shoes and feel the wind on your face. Write a poem or joke for that open mic that’s tempting you. No club on campus that excites you? Start one that gets you out the door so fast that you forget your damn phone.
Learn a new language, join a theater group, or volunteer for a cause. Start that side hustle that might save you from the corporate drudgery that looms, or at least sparks a fire in you that no middle manager can extinguish. Fill your heart and soul with your art, achievements, and adventures so much so that fantasies become a waste of time. Dear students, I ask, “What type of story will your life be? Will it be like Walter Mitty, trapped in a fantasy, or the one who steps beyond the safety of imagination into the real world, where you stop consuming and start creating a remarkable life?”
The Hero’s Journey
Onwards. That’s the letter, and there’s a lot to unpack in there. Ben Stiller’s version of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty takes us on a classic hero’s journey. Let’s take a moment to talk about the hero’s journey. This classic narrative structure was popularized by Joseph Campbell, and you can find it in myths, books, and movies across cultures and time from Jason and the Argonauts to Star Wars to to The Lord of the Rings. It’s the storytelling roadmap, and it typically unfolds in three phases.
Departure. The hero begins in the ordinary world but is called to adventure. This might be a direct challenge or disruptive event that shakes them out of their comfort zone. In Stiller’s movie, it’s Mitty who needs to find his friend in a faraway land. Initially, the hero often resists the call, unsure if they are ready to leave the safety of the familiar but something or someone pushes them forward.
Initiation. Once the hero crosses the threshold into the unknown, they face trials, challenges, and even enemies that test their strength and resolve. This could be sharks and volcano eruptions. Along the way, they may gain allies, mentors, or magical tools to help them. In the movie, Mitty’s skateboard fits as a magical tool.
In any case, the hero grows through these challenges, and these trials, and moves toward the ultimate challenge of what Campbell called the abyss or the central crisis. Here lies the moment of transformation, where the hero faces their greatest fear or foe and emerges changed inside. This is important. The hero must address a challenge, often to the body, but certainly to the soul.
Return. Having conquered the crisis, the hero returns to the ordinary world, but they are no longer the same person. They bring back knowledge, power, or some treasure that can help others. The journey transforms them, allowing them to reintegrate into the world with a new sense of purpose. I believe that the hero’s journey isn’t just a framework for epic stories. It’s a potential metaphor for our lives. Every time we leave our comfort zone, face our fears, and grow through adversity, we set off on our own hero’s journey.
One thing that isn’t mentioned in my letter to my students is that in James Thurber’s original story, Walter Mitty is a meek, henpecked husband. Mitty’s spouse embodies the weight of domestic life, keeping him tethered to the ordinary world. His fantasies are an act of escape, but he never truly breaks free of these everyday constraints of marriage and societal expectations. Spouses, especially unconventional partnerships can sometimes keep someone in the ordinary world by reinforcing the comfort of routines and responsibilities preventing the leap into adventure. Imagine if Mitty told his partner that he was venturing into uncharted Afghanistan to bribe warlords or that he was going to climb through snow to 18,000 feet to find his elusive friend. Good luck with that.
In Ben Stiller’s 2013 film adaptation, Mitty is single, which gives him the space for deeper transformation. His freedom from traditional domestic ties gives him the autonomy to answer the call to adventure and ultimately step into the heroic journey. Indeed, singles and especially solos get more opportunities to be the hero in their own story.
One of the biggest reasons is that singles have more optionality, and more freedom to choose how they spend their time, how they pursue their dreams, and how they navigate the world. Solos are also often better at bending and even breaking the traditional rules that society sets for them but therein lies the responsibility of going solo. You suddenly have a lot more choices, and with more choices comes more uncertainty and risk.
Fortunately, solos have the freedom to experiment, pivot, and fail without needing approval from others. For example, rather than immediately quitting my professor job, I can try out my new life in South America or experiment with the side hustle, especially with the looming sabbatical. In short, solos are uniquely positioned to be the hero of their own story, free from societal domestication.
This reminds me of a story where a dog tells a wolf how great it is to have an owner. There’s always food you don’t have to scavenge or hunt. It’s perfectly comfortable, and you are never too hot or too cold. The wolf is almost convinced until he notices the collar around the dog’s neck and asks, “What’s that for?” I compared myself to a dog earlier, and now I’m saying that I would rather be like a wolf. I’m good at mixing my metaphors. Nevertheless, the point remains. When you are domesticated like that, you are stuck in the ordinary world. No heroic adventure happens with a collar around your neck.
The theme of escaping domestication and seeking transformation is ingrained in our stories from Bilbo Baggins leaving the safety of the Shire to Luke Skywalker stepping away from his humble life on Tatooine. These narratives resonate with something profoundly human, the desire to break free from a life that feels too small and embrace something bigger.
The Virgin’s Promise
However, not all stories of heroism require leaving the ordinary world. Let’s return to another powerful story structure, one that I have explored on the show and in the final chapter of Solo, The Virgin’s Promise. This framework was popularized by Kim Hudson. I had her on the show, offering an alternative to the hero’s journey. Whereas the hero’s journey is about venturing into the world to face external challenges, The Virgin’s Promise is an internal journey of self-discovery, transformation, and authenticity.
The Virgin’s Promise typically unfolds in several key phases. One, dependent world. The story begins in a world where the protagonist is constrained by expectations and conventions, often conforming to a role that feels too small for them. This isn’t necessarily a dangerous or hostile world, but one where the Virgin’s true potential is stifled.
Two, opportunity to shine. The Virgin experiences a moment of opportunity that awakens something inside them. It could be a hidden talent, passion, or desire that’s been suppressed by their dependent world. They realize there’s more to them than they have been allowed to express. Three, secret world. As a virgin explores this newfound passion, they often create a secret world, a safe space where they can be themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. For some of you, that may be the Solo community. Here they experiment and grow, discovering their true identity outside the confines of social expectations.
Four, no longer fitting in. As the virgin becomes more authentic, they no longer fit into their old, dependent world. They’re torn between comfort and conformity and the pull of their true self. This creates tension, as the virgin can’t keep living in both worlds. Fifth and finally, the kingdom transformed. After confronting their fears, the virgin embraces their authenticity, which transforms not only themselves but the world around them. The old kingdom is forced to change as the virgin shines in their full glory, often inspiring others to embrace their truth.
The virgin’s promise is not about slaying external dragons, but about slaying internal ones, embracing who you truly are, and escaping societal limitations. It’s about creating your path, not by leaving your world, but by transforming it from within. Think of characters like Elsa from Frozen, Billy from Billy Elliot, or even Jojo from Jojo Rabbit. They don’t leave their world. They transform it by being true to themselves. Their strengths come from within, and that internal transformation ends up shaping their external world.
I feel like my life has been more like a virgin’s promise story. No longer afraid to speak openly about single living, and I no longer feel like I am shouting into the wind. The world is starting to change slowly but surely, and I have seen the opportunities that I have had, like that TEDx talk. More people are beginning to embrace the movement. Could this all come together in my lifetime? Could the Solo movement be the butterfly wings that set off a chain of events that shift the cultural winds in a new direction? I hope so.
Back to those of us contemplating a change, I ask you, in the same way I ask my students will you break free and transform? Will you turn your dreams into reality? I have also answered that call in some ways, moving beyond peer-reviewed publishing to pursue this show and book but now I face the same question. Do I stay on this path or reach for something bigger?
Looking back on the Solo project, my twenty years at CU Boulder, and secret projects stretching my mind, I feel like the abyss is ahead of me, where I need to make a choice. Do I stay with the familiar or venture into the unknown? This is personal. It’s like I feel domesticated, boxed in by career expectations and whispers to stay small as I try to break free, I feel like I’m chasing freedom, and I have the chance to change my soul.
I’m scared. I see the echoes of the same struggle in my students. Many of them feel trapped by societal expectations, living in what the virgin’s promise calls the dependent world, or what the hero’s journey calls the ordinary world. They are bright and eager to live authentically, yet they hesitate to step off the path that’s been laid out for them, the one that promises stability but may lead to a life of quiet desperation. I want my students to ask themselves, “Am I following this path because it’s truly what I want, or because it’s been laid out by society?”
There’s you, my brothers and sisters, in the Solo movement. You may be at a crossroads yourself. Perhaps it’s a question of career or relationships, you may be wondering how you want to live remarkably. Are you ready to step out of the ordinary world and answer the call to adventure? If you do, I want you to succeed. I wish you the best. The difference between dreams and fantasies is that dreams can come true, but only if you take action. With that in mind, I ask one last time, are you the hero in your life story? Cheers.
Important Links
- The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
- Kim Hudson – Past Episode