In this AMA episode, Peter McGraw welcomes back familiar guest Julie Nirvelli to tackle questions from the Solo community. From Solo Salons and international moves to personality types and relationship design, they dive into thought-provoking topics about solo living, dating, and self-discovery. Plus, an update on Peter’s latest projects—including the Solo workbook!
If you want bonus material or more info about Peter’s forthcoming ebooks, sign up for the Solo community here.
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Listen to Episode #238 here
Listener Questions #2
Can I add a disclaimer?
Of course.
Peter’s opinions are not necessarily Julie’s opinions, and Julie’s opinions are not necessarily Peter’s opinions.
That’s almost certainly the case. When I say that’s right, it means I share the same opinion. Anything else you want to add?
No, I’m excited.
Let’s get started.
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Another AMA, or as I call them, Q&A episode, with a familiar guest, Julie Nirvelli. Welcome back, Julie.
Thank you. It’s been so long. April 2024 was our last recording, and it was a Q&A also.
I thought the Q&A was well-received. I enjoyed it. We’re back. Also, we had some leftover questions. All of them, in this case, were gathered from the solo community, which readers can sign up for at PeterMcGraw.org/Solo. I have a little caveat here to keep us out of jail or at least out of court. This is just our perspective. We’re not therapists. We’re not medical doctors.
This is new.
It’s not professional advice.
Disclaimers. Fine print.
There’ll be a discussion about this episode on the community page, so let us know what you think. You might have some different answers to the questions as readers, and so we want to hear them. I also decided to leave out people’s names to protect their identities. Some people have the same name in the Solo Community. I also didn’t want people to be like, “Is it this person or that person?” Also, some people have unique names.
It’d be obvious.
I think it is. Why don’t we start with a question for you? That is, any updates on your life, your solo journey, any insights?
I think it has been interesting, and that episode got me in a little bit of trouble.
I’m so glad you’re bringing this up because I was going to specifically ask for this.
Two men I was dating listened to that episode.
They probably have Google Alerts for Julie Nirvelli. Any media you do pops up, and you’re like, “I need to.”
It’s been interesting. That’s why I said your opinions are not necessarily my opinions, and my opinions are not necessarily your opinions.
A Little Bit Of Julie Is Better Than No Julie At All
A little bit of Julie is better than no Julie at all.
I was questioned about something you said on an episode. There wasn’t a lot of detail shared, but this person didn’t really love what they heard. I was like, “Not everything Peter says is my opinion, too.”
You’re only affiliated with the project.
One of my takeaways is this is an ebb and flow and a growing and things change, opinions change. It could depend on the person I’m dating how I feel about certain things that I’ve said before or that we’ve said. It’s like, if you’re a regular reader, you’ve probably read us talk about, he bought me flowers. It’s your analogy, so why don’t you share?
You buy someone flowers, red roses, and is that good or bad? It all depends on how much they like you. “Nobody buys flowers anymore. How sweet.” Nobody buys flowers anymore. How weird.
That’s weird. Anyway, I think that it is a journey and it depends. It’s very situational. Nothing is cast in stone about how I feel about certain aspects. I would say certain things are cast in stone in terms of my freedom is extremely important to me. That has become one of my biggest values. Freedom can look many different ways in dating or in life in general.
I think that’s a good insight. Certainly, I think if I were to go back to earlier episodes, I wouldn’t even agree with myself. My perspective has changed, I misspoke. I think that one of the exciting things about relationship design is that you get to co-create a relationship with a friend, a family member, a lover, or a child. I’m not a parent, and I’m not certainly not a parent of multiple children, but it’s like, I love all of you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to treat you all exactly the same. There are going to be differences there. If you are sleeping with Julie or you want to sleep with Julie, I would say to go directly to the source if you need information. She’ll tell you exactly how she feels.
Yes, thank you for that.
No, I think that’s really good. I didn’t mean to get you in hot water, but I stand by what I said on that episode. For people who are like, “What are they talking about?” Just go back to the episode. It’s too long a story.
It was Listener Questions #1.
How old are we? Are we 13? Are we 16? I get it. I’ve seen this happen with you. You date someone, and you’re great and they just want more of it. They’re looking for answers.
I feel so connected to people. I don’t date somebody I don’t feel connected to. I have a lot of love for a lot of people. You and I are members of that Invisible City. There was a time when I would say an Invisible City’s height was just having so many people there and lots of activity. One day, I was literally like, “I have a crush on everybody here, men and women alike.” It’s just that I love people. I can connect with people really deeply, and I can connect with lots of people really deeply. When it comes to dating, that gets a little bit squishy.
Invisible City is a social club here in Denver that has this wonderful space, wonderful events, and really interesting people.
When I say crush, I don’t mean like I want to have sex with everybody here.
I think that’s the thing about this alternative view of love. It’s not something to be just kept between two people or a small number of people. Rather, it is infinite. It’s a positive-sum, and the more you give, the more you get. It can occur between strangers. It can occur between platonic friends. It can occur broadly.
I meet people all the time where I’m like, “You’re amazing.” One morning, I talked to a woman on the phone, and I had goosebumps. You’re my people, “I can’t wait to meet you in person.”
I also think there is something too, which is I’ve noticed with myself, and I think I’ve noticed a little bit with you in these situations, is you start living this non-traditional life, and you forget what it’s like to be traditional. The two can bump up against each other in minor or major ways, even among two people who love each other, like each other, respect each other, are honest, and act with good intention. This foreshadows some of our reader’s questions. What do you have for me before we get into listener questions?
What I’m really curious about is what’s happening with the solo project in general. You and I haven’t. When we catch up, we catch up a lot on personal stuff, and we haven’t spent much time talking about where things are, what ideas you have, and where things are headed.
The Podcast Is Going To Continue Haphazardly
It’s probably just as well because I’m unclear. I’m in a liminal space. I think for people who had seen the Solo Thoughts 16 episode, what came through loud and clear that I’m contemplating a new lifestyle, a different approach to work, a third act to my life even, which I never thought would have a third act. I never considered life beyond where it was a while ago, being a professor, working on the solo project, producing. You’ve seen it. The show is going to continue haphazardly. When I tape an episode, I’ll put it up.
Not on a cadence.
I’m just going to let my feelings and opportunities guide me. It’s nice. I don’t want it to languish. I don’t want to go for five weeks without an episode thing because I know people like it, listen to it, look forward to it. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m going to experiment with this new process for a while.
I like it. I think it’s good. I bet it’s somewhat outside of your comfort zone. It needs two episodes a week, and it’s got to be this, and it’s got to be that. I’m happy to see you stepping away from the high achievement I’ve got to produce and letting a little bit more of your intuition guide the cadence of what happens and when.
Thank you. I feel very fortunate. It’s much easier to take your foot off the gas than it is to mash the gas at this age. People are trying to get rolling with their careers and new habits, and it’s much easier to relax than it is to take on a new challenge here. I purposely have held off on starting anything really new. I went away for a while. I left my ideas pile behind. I still have a couple of Harvard Business Review articles about singles at work and singles in the marketplace, and I’m just waiting on the editor, but I’m eager for those to come out to see what they might do.
Can you share those with the community once those are out so you don’t have to subscribe to the Harvard Business Review?
Yeah, of course. I’ll share them through the community website. I’m eager to have those come out because I worked very hard on them, and I’m proud of them. I think it’s a level of advocacy that I still want to work on. I want to see if it stirs some stuff up. Does it create opportunities?
To have that spotlight on it, it will at least increase awareness.
That’s right, yeah. That’s happening. An update on the TEDx Boulder talk that has not been released yet. That’s a little bit surprising. I’ve been told that my talk and a small number of other talks from that night are going to go on the TEDx-recommended channel or something like that. As to why it’s been delayed, the answer is I don’t know. Unless there’s some problem with what I did or something like that, I think it’s just that we’re at the vicissitudes of the TED organization or the TEDx organization.
It almost sounds like they have bigger plans for it than just releasing it.
That’s what I’ve heard. That’s exciting. I would like that to get out in part because I do have a fun essay idea, but I need to wait until that comes out. Do you want to hear what the essay idea is?
Of course.
It’s a lifelong bachelor’s case for marriage. In my second book, Shtick to Business, I talk about the reversal. This is my reversal. By the way, I never argue against marriage. People think I do, but I don’t.
You just say it’s overprescribed.
I had this idea that I want to write an article about why people should consider getting married. Of course, because I have a twist, I’m diabolical, and I want to say, “It doesn’t have to look like the marriage that we always see.” I get to talk about how do you have a marriage as a solo. One that has independence, one that has a broad community. One where the other person’s not everything for you. One where you still stay wholehearted. See where I’m going with this?
Yes, I love it.
I know. I was happy with myself. I still need to write it, though. Finally, I do have one project that I did work on, and that is I am creating a solo workbook to accompany the solo book.
I think this is a really cool idea. You mentioned it to me, but we haven’t really talked about. Are you ready to share details, or that the teaser right there?
What details do you think I should share?
It’s a workbook that would take people through exercises to think more about their values and what’s important to them, I’m guessing.
That’s exactly right. For every chapter, there are 3 to 4 exercises, reflection, exercises, things like that.
One of the listener’s questions has to do with personality types, which would be interesting to think about how it relates to the workbook.
I’ve already written the workbook, though.
Of course, you have.
It’s being formatted as we speak. It’s not far away. It’s possible that by the time this comes out, it will be available, and I’ll announce it via newsletter, which you can sign up for on my website. I’ll announce it via the community, and I will probably, at some subsequent episode, have more information about where to find it.
Is this a paid resource?
People will have to pay for it.
Yes, good.
You download a PDF.
I was hoping you would say that.
Any proceeds from the workbook is going to pay for the cost of this show.
That has been funded by you.
It’s a five-digit yearly cost.
That’s why I was hoping you were going to be making some revenue from what you’re doing.
Also, to keep the IRS off my back if I can. As they’re like, at some point, you need to make money on this. Otherwise, it’s a hobby. It’s not a business. That was fun to do.
I bet. I can’t wait to see it.
It was fun to do. I think some people love workbooks.
It helps you, here comes my favorite word, be intentional about what you’re doing and take the time to sit and think and write some things down. As we said at the beginning, that can ebb and flow and change over time, but at least people have an opportunity to be thoughtful about where they are.
Thanks. We’ll see. Do you want to read the first question? This is related, so we might as well jump into it.
This is a reader’s question. “I’ve been curious about solo salons. I know there was one in October that I thought about attending, but I wasn’t sure what to expect. For future salons, do attendees need to have a talent or something to share, especially their first time? Can they come to soak it all in and use that experience to prepare to contribute to a future event? Also, hosting salons must be a lot of work. Are there plans for another salon in 2025? I’d love to attend and connect with Team Solo in person.”
Thank you for that question. Yes, there is a lot of work. As it’s approaching, I’m always like, “Why am I doing this?”
I know.
I do it.
I just want to show up.
I just want to show up and host. I do it. I go, “That’s why I do it,” because I’ve never had a bad one. They’re amazing. I shouldn’t say that, but they’re amazing.
They are.
For the readers who have not attended one, you can just show up. It’s a very highly curated group that performs, that are up on stage. They are drawn from the community oftentimes, but not wholly. It’s a social event, but you can just show up, be yourself, and have a good time. There’s comedy, there’s talks, there’s poetry, and dance. We had a fashion show at the last one, which I thought was really great. Julie performed. She did a whip dance.
I performed, for the first time, “on stage.”
I think many people found that quite arousing. You’ve got some crushes headed your way because of that.
It was fun. I was so nervous, though.
It was good. Julie has this lighted whip. Imagine like a laser whip.
LED. This almost hints at the idea of an open mic. People from the solo open mic.
That’s an interesting idea.
What have you got? Bring your talent. That could be a fun piece to add.
Solo talent show.
That would be fun, too.
Do you know the problem with talent shows? There are always a few really painful acts.
We could have some tomatoes that are like stuffed animals but stuffed tomatoes to throw at people.
I do not have plans for a solo salon as of yet.
It’s early.
We’re taping this. Knowing me and knowing you, it’s just a matter of time. We’ll pick a date, find a place and so on. I’m trying to take an intentional break from all the produce, produce, produce. It would be fun. I always enjoy doing them, and it’d be nice to crack the code where I can leave the planning to someone else.
It’s a little community if anybody wants to volunteer.
It is nice. There are lots of people who come and help out, but it really just falls on you and me mostly.
Do Certain Personality Types Gravitate Toward Solo Lifestyle?
“Do certain personality types gravitate toward the solo lifestyle? As an introvert, I find solo principles resonate with me, but do you think solos come from a range of personality types? If so, what might it look like for extroverts or other types? Does the solo lifestyle primarily appeal to specific types? Could this help us better understand why solos are solo?”
Thank you for this question. It’s a fun question. I’m not a personality psychologist but have paid attention to this field. The first thing that I want to say is that personality plays a surprisingly small role in people’s behavior.
Really?
Yes. Knowing someone’s personality type only explains about 5% to 10% of the variance in their behavior, which I think is surprising. In part, because as someone who has a personality and sees their behavior, you can make the connections pretty clearly, in a sense. The personality scale that is the most popular and the most well-researched is called the Big Five.
I’ve never even heard of it.
The big five has. Five traits. One of which our reader has already mentioned, which is introversion and extroversion. First of all, all of these traits are along a continuum, with most people in the middle.
I’m an introverted extrovert.
That’s right.
I’m an extroverted introvert.
I’m an ambivert, whatever people say. There are very few pure extroverts and very few pure introverts, and most people are somewhere in between leaning one way or another. In this way. Introversion and extroversion are how energized you feel by social interaction. Extroverts are energized by it, and introverts are depleted.
Depleted, and they need to go home and recharge.
Have some solitude and reflection, oftentimes, thing. Of the five, I think this is the one that best connects to soloness, in a sense, in the following way. I think that introverts are just more likely to resonate with the solo lifestyle because they like a little more alone time.
I’m surprised by that because I’m not an introvert, so I can’t speak from an introvert’s viewpoint, but I wouldn’t feel like that would mean that they would want to be solo more because they would still, since they’re on the spectrum, they are. Everyone is a little bit of both. They would still want connection time.
I don’t think it’s a matter of not having a connection. It’s just a matter of having, if you think about a traditional relationship, that person’s around a lot.
That’s true, and you don’t necessarily have the space to recharge the way you would want to.
The flip side, of course, is that if soloness is not about being alone, per se. Extroverts have a bit of an advantage in terms of developing friendships in terms of leaning into connections and community because they’re enlivened by them oftentimes. As I answer this question, I think we’re going to be able to make a case for both of these things at times.
I was thinking in the community, people will comment on this, too.
The second one is openness to new experiences. This one, I have a strong feeling about. Openness is about curiosity and creativity. Are you looking for new ideas, new challenges?
Pushing your edge.
That’s right. I am very high in openness to new experiences.
So am I.
People who do psychedelics are open to new experiences. People who get involved in the lifestyle community, BDSM, King they’re open to new experiences. Entrepreneurs are often open to new experiences. This idea of you’re focused on creativity, curiosity, exploration, etc. That’s one of the tenets of solo.
I was just going to say this one seems more indicative of solo than introvert or extrovert.
Yes, 100%. I like to say this. Solos are, they question the rules. They often embrace non-traditional relationship structures, non-traditional views of the world, and so on. The next one is conscientiousness, which is like organization, reliability, discipline, responsibility, structure, and being highly conscientious versus low conscientious. More spontaneous, more relaxed thing. I don’t have a strong feeling about that one.
I agree.
You could be highly conscientious and be very focused on your career, building something. You could be a little rigid, which could make relationships difficult, but also that very spontaneous person. I think the way we’re thinking about is out on the tails. The real extremes in this way. That person can be hard to wrangle and hard to rely on. I don’t know. Neuroticism.
Say more about that.
This is about emotional stability. People with high neuroticism have more ups and downs. Low neuroticism people have more calmness and resilience.
You could argue that one either way, also.
I think so. I think the case you make for low neuroticism is like, this person is steady. You have smooth sailing with Julie. Smooth sailing, easy to get along with. Why do you say for high?
If there’s a lot of turmoil in relationships, or you may just say I’m better off.
It may push you away.
Pursuing my own solo life.
The last one is agreeableness, which is how cooperative and how empathic you are. Agreeable people. They prioritize harmony, kindness, less agreeable people, and more competitive, direct. There is some work on this. I haven’t looked at it directly, but there’s indirect work that I know of. There’s a famous study about it, I think it’s a college yearbook. It’s like a women’s school.
They measure the degree to which the women are truly smiling in their photos. There are fake smiles, like the sorority girl smiles, and then there are genuine smiles, like the crinkly eye smiles. The women in this class were part of a longitudinal study where they measured all sorts of outcomes 20 or 30 years later. The women in these pictures who generated with this stranger photographer a true smile, a smile that indicated positive emotion, that tendency was correlated with a whole bunch of successful outcomes in life.
In particular, relationship outcomes. You can imagine this, like people who are just happy, they smile easily, they laugh easily, things roll off their shoulders. They’re hard to offend. It sounds like someone I know. It’s like they’re just easier to get along with. When you think about it, intense romantic relationships, especially once the deep love wears off. Just easier to love someone who smiles a lot or easier in that way. It’s possible. Again, I just want to say this. I think this is fun to talk about. It’s fun to dish about.
It’s because you’re a psychology nerd.
That’s right. I think that knowing whether someone’s an introvert or extrovert, or knowing whether they’re agreeable or disagreeable or they’re conscientious or not, it’s not going to really tell you whether they’re a solo or not. It just might push you a little bit in one direction or another.
There are life experiences that tie into all of those things, too. When I think about it, I’m that easygoing person, and in the past, I’ve chosen tumultuous relationships, so that’s partially what has put me on my solo journey. I’m much happier when I’m not in a relationship, which causes a bunch of friction and drama.
I don’t think my soloness has much to do with my personality. I think it had to do with my preferences for my lifestyle. Now, the fact that I’m open to new experiences has let me find new lifestyles. It’s been liberating in that way, I think. It’s fun.
That was a good question, for sure.
How Do You Approach Someone Who Has Sparked Your Interest For Years?
I’ll do the next one. Now, a bunch of these questions are leftover from a call for questions that I had about solos and romance, which has already come out with Monique and Teresa, which I thought was a fun episode. Some of these are connected to that. We’re going to take a turn towards relationships, generally and non-traditional relationships specific. This is a long one, but I think it’s very interesting. “How would you approach someone who has sparked your interest for years?
I love the principles of relationship design, but they don’t seem like a natural way to start a conversation. At the same time, saying something like, I’m interested in you, but I’m totally fine on my own if you’re not, feels immature outside of the solo community. How do I make this sound authentic and adult to someone unfamiliar with these ideas? For context, I believe we’ve shared a spark before, but not at the same time. We’re both in our late 40s or early 50s, generally happy, living life solo, and uninterested in the relationship escalator. However, I believe we could create a meaningful and unique connection together.”
Interesting.
I know. What’s your initial reaction to that?
My initial reaction is that I think this person who wrote the question may want to think about some vulnerability in terms of approaching the conversation and the person. The conversation could start with the fact that it sounds like they’ve both been solo and just start from there. I’ve known you for so long, and you’ve not been in a relationship. I don’t know, just somehow starting the conversation. Whenever I think about having conversations with somebody, I never like to put somebody on the spot and ask, “What do you think about this if I’m not first being vulnerable and sharing what I think about something.”
I think that’s right.
You have to open the door with vulnerability, I think.
It’s up to you. First of all, you have to be ready for no. You have to be ready for, “I like you, but.” That thing. I applaud this reader for considering this. You know that this person’s special. You know them. You know that there’s been some interest. You also recognize that you don’t have to follow a script in this. That also can be hard because most people follow a script. I think you need to be honest, 100% honest. You also have to give the person a chance for grace and for them to bring their own beliefs to the table, and that they don’t have to answer right away. They should have a chance because this might be a surprise, and they might need to think about it and consider it.
I’ve got it. You can just lead in with, “I’ve been listening to this Solo podcast. Have you ever heard of it?” The other person will say, “Yes, I listened to all the episodes, and then you’re off to the races.”
“My favorite episode is the Relationship Design Episode. What do you think of that one?” I would do something like this. I would just say, “As you know, I value our relationship. I think you’re great in this way, this way. I have sensed at times that we have shared an interest to go beyond the nature of our platonic relationship. I just want you to know that regardless of what you say, this is not going to change how I think about you, treat you, feel about you, about the nature of our container here. Would you consider making a change to our relationship that involves some more romance or intimacy?” Whatever they want.
It could even be, “I was wondering if it’s something that we might want to explore.”
That’s a good way to say it.
It is a little more delicate. I’m wondering, too, if this is something I want to explore. I’m not sure that I want to explore this either.
I’m intrigued. I’m interested. I think you’re a wonderful person. Wonderful people don’t come into my life that often. One of the things I like to say, so you say your piece. It compliments your request and then what you would like to do. One of the things I like to say is this. Stop talking. Give the person some space to process, to think, to respond. It’s also okay to say, “I don’t need an answer right here.” In this way. If you get some yes or maybe, I think that’s when the relationship design conversation can happen. I have this model by which we can talk about how we would explore what each of us would like and agree on.
Is this a good time to pull out the workbook?
Yeah, workbook or even I’ve had couples read to the relationship design episode together and they pause, talk, and continue in that way. Good luck. Let us know.
We need to know what happens with this.
Honesty, vulnerability, kindness. I just want to know that you might get a no, but I’d rather get a no than be wondering my whole life what could have happened.
How Do You Approach Dating When You Understand Solo Principles?
“Once someone understands the solo principles and the new way, how do you approach dating? What paradigms do you have and how have they shifted? Specifically, what are your thoughts on self-talk when preparing for a date or signing up for a dating site?”
Self-talk. That’s an interesting element. I wasn’t expecting that.
“Self-talk, I wonder if that means in your own head, not how I would talk about myself.”
It’s the conversation you have with yourself.
Once they understand the new way, how do you approach dating?
Let’s start with that. The issue is that everybody’s new way is different. Your new way is different than my new way.
My new way is different than it was in the past. It will shift.
Getting clear about what your yes, no, and maybe are. One of my new ways is living with someone. I don’t put that on a Bumble profile, but I disclose that early and unapologetically. I don’t make excuses for it. I say, “This could change in the future. I don’t foresee it changing in the near future, but I’m not interested in living with anyone at the moment.”
I do that early enough that someone doesn’t feel like I’ve wasted their time, but I also am not like throwing it in their face. A dating app is like an advertisement, and you should be putting, again, honest, authentic stuff that makes you appealing. Too many nos, nots, and stuff, I think, is the advice I give, so stay away from that. What is it that is your yes and no and maybe with regard to your no way living and knowing what those things are and how they may shift depending on who you may meet?
That is the challenging thing when you first said to define your yes, nos, and maybe. That was my first thought was, it depends.
Monogamy. Someone might be non-monogamous, but in the right situation, they might become monogamish, where they might be like, “I’m going to give monogamy a try.” Some of the things are absolute, like for some people, they’re like no kids or like no hierarchy. No matter what, I don’t want to do hierarchy. Getting a sense of that because it will help those conversations because sometimes you’ve got to do a little educating for someone who’s new way-ish. They’re open to this stuff, but they don’t have a language. They don’t have a perspective.
You recently coached me on this.
I did?
Do you remember? Yeah, having a conversation. This was a guy who’d listened to the episode. He was a little bit upset, I think, by some things that he had heard. We were going to have a conversation and your advice, which I took and was worked beautifully, was, “I really like you. I feel like we have a great connection. I have so much fun with you. I am a solo. If that doesn’t work for you, I completely understand, and I want us to be friends.”
We can pivot into friendship.
That went really well. The very tricky part of that conversation is me saying I’m a solo. There’s no definition of what that means. What I said at that moment was, “Freedom is so important to me. That doesn’t mean that I’m walking around f***ing a bunch of people.” Can I say that on here? That’s not what that means. Freedom is just such a value for me that I’ve had enough. I even said this to him, “I’ve had enough people clip my wings and dampen my light, and I’m not doing that ever again.” To me, that’s the solo piece.
I see. This idea of letting someone know in a very authentic, real way how you feel about them in a way that precedes any conversation that’s going to be heavy is very important. There’s this thing called the negativity bias. I’m a professor. I stopped reading my student evaluations years ago. What would happen is I would read them, and there would be 35 that are good. There’d be three that are nasty.
You’re not for everybody.
I’m not for everyone. If it’s only three, I’m really winning.
I know, you’re a big win.
This last semester, it’d probably be 50/50. The three overwhelm the 30. You can’t unread them in a sense. If you’re going to say something that’s going to be upsetting to someone, it’s going to be disappointing to them that they’re going to just be unsettling you need to balance it with I care about you, I love you, you’re important to me, I have so much fun with you, the sex is great. All these things just to level set this, like to provide a foundation. It’s just an important thing. Also, let’s be honest. We don’t do this enough with the people we care about.
That’s true.
We don’t tell our friends that we love them enough. We don’t tell them how great they are enough. We don’t tell them how much we appreciate them in that way. I think, especially in those difficult conversations, it’s important to reassure people.
Everybody’s homework is to text a friend and tell them how special they are.
I think that would be wonderful. I had a dream about a friend, a woman who’s really supported the solo movement in various ways. She was a former student. I had this dream about her. She was like really struggling, and she was like, “I need a hug,” in the dream. I texted her, and I just said, “I had this dream about you. I just want you to know I was thinking about you, and you needed a hug.” It’s like, “If you need a hug, let me know.” She said, “That was so sweet. Thank you so much.” The self-talk thing. I think this is going to be relevant to some of these other subsequent questions.
Just to repeat. What are your thoughts on self-talk when preparing for a date or signing up for a dating site?
By the way, this is the most important part of this question because dating can suck.
You can’t take it personally.
It really can be horrible because people are not always in the best place, they’re not always a good fit, they’ve had bad experiences, and they’re trying to protect themselves.
People can be mean.
The nature of dating apps and texting, in particular, can bring out really bad behavior because you have this barrier, this distance that is there. I would refer anyone to the Dating Help/Hell episode with Jessalyn Dean. That, I think, is a very good primer on how to approach this from a blocking and tackling standpoint. I think you and I are similar. I think it might be easy for us to say this because you have a lot of success dating. I have modest success dating.
I bet compared to other men.
Middle-aged men, I do pretty well. We have enough successes to keep you going. I’m also an optimistic person.
So am I.
I also am a problem solver. I believe that dating is just a problem to solve. What’s the problem? I’m not that attractive. How do I become more attractive?
Grow a beard.
How do I become more attractive? Get in shape. How do I become more attractive? Change my wardrobe.
Eat better.
How do I become more attractive? Live a remarkable life. Have hobbies, have interests. Be able to talk about subjects. How do I get better? Create a better dating profile. How do I get better? Have a better opener. To me, this is just a series of problems, big and small, to solve. There are alternative universes where I have zero success dating because I turned into the type of person who doesn’t solve my own problems in a sense. I think optimism is key.
I was going to say that attitude is huge.
I think optimism, which is, “I’m going to give this person a chance, but I’m still slow to hire and quick to fire.” You exhibit bad behavior. Move on. I should look it up. There’s a new word in our vocabulary called simping. To be a simp.
What is that?
You’re a Gen Xer, so you don’t know this term. It’s more of a Zoomer millennial term. It’s typically a man with a woman who is just pathetic. “Whatever you want, dear. Do you want this? Let me do that for you.” It’s like he’s just doing everything he can to please this woman in this way. By the way, I think you should do nice things for the people you. You should say nice things to them. You should compliment them. You should try to make their life easier.
You should try to accommodate them and so on up to a point. It should be in both directions. Being like, “I’m going to give this person a chance. I’m hopeful. There’s a lot of good things.” I like their pictures. They seem to be approaching this with authenticity, with conscientiousness, etc. Let’s give them a chance. Let’s give it a go until you get to a point where you go, “No, I’m not a simp. I’m not desperate. I’ll meet you more than halfway. I’ll meet you 70% of the way, but you got to give me something.”
The self-talk, too, is that, are you that type of person who’s open to new experiences or not? I have always thought about dating as an adventure. I can connect with somebody, I can have a good conversation with somebody, and then most of the time, there’s not necessarily interest. I mean, back when I was on dating apps, that would be the case. I made friends. People who I’ve been friends with for years.
Me too. That’s right. Bingo. By the way, this is just a date. We’re just getting, as I like to call it, the first one, a meeting. We’re just meeting. We’re just going to see. Do you look like your pictures? Do you have some personality? Do we connect? Is there some attraction there? Are you going to be well-behaved? You show up on time? These kinds of things. The last thing about self-talk, so I think this idea of like, this is an adventure. Let’s go, we’re just going to meet. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s not build a future together. We’re just meeting for coffee.
We’re just meeting for a walk around a museum and have a nice time. The other one is this. I’m worth dating. I’m worth it. I’m worth showing up on time for. The key is that you should believe that to the degree that you can provide that. That’s where I think a lot of this stuff is like, “How are you showing up in your own life to yourself? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you taking care of your hygiene? Are you wearing clothes that fit? Are you proud of the space that you live in? Are you on a growth path? Do you have interesting things to talk about?”
What value are you adding to? I think it is a big one.
I think that helps with the self-talk. You’re like, “Look at all these things that are going on in my life.” Look, you want to be calibrated. I think that’s one of those things that is like, I’m worth dating. I’m worth spending time with. If you can’t answer that positively, then you either need to spend time becoming that person, or you need to get calibrated. Do you know who will help you with this?
Who?
People like me.
Are you available for coaching?
No, I’m kidding. I don’t mean me per se, but someone like me in your life. If a friend of mine asks me, I mean, I often volunteer it because I love them. If they ask me, “What are my strengths and weaknesses?” I’d be like, “Julie, before I say anything, I just want you to know how much I love you. How much I care about you. How much this relationship means to me.”
Here’s the bad news. Compliment sandwich.
I think find your Peter. By the way, that person probably would love to help you spruce up your wardrobe, help you redecorate your apartment, or go on an adventure with you to explore some new hobby or go to someplace or whatnot.
This all ties into you need to be a complete person and a happy person. Whereas when you’re dating, that’s just adding value to your life.
It’s not filling a void. It’s adding to a full cup. That’s great. Let me do this one. The next question is related to the previous but is a little more specific. It says, “I haven’t been on a date in over 30 years. Just going to let that sink in for a moment. Now, at 68, I’m not sure where to start, and I’m not entirely sure I want to. I’m not interested in any conventional relationship, but I do desire intimacy. It’s hard to be body-positive, which makes it difficult to venture into any relationship, conventional or otherwise. What advice do you have for someone in my position?” If it matters, this was written by a man. I don’t know if it’ll matter anyway. That’s an interesting puzzle. Not one I can speak to from personal experience.
I almost think that in reading this, really tying back into what we were saying is to get yourself in a position where you’re grounded in a good place, body positive, and feeling good, and then decide if you want to date or not.
I certainly think that, alluding to this issue of body positive is, look, I think we live in a world that we’re constantly being bombarded by perfect bodies. Even a normal body can feel inadequate now. If you’ve had some health issues, if you’ve gained some weight and age, you can especially feel that way. I think that’s unfortunate. I always talk about you can’t compare your body to other people’s bodies. You should only compare your body to what it could be. I think a health journey, to your point, would be a great place to start because it’s about you.
You’re investing in yourself.
If you’re 68, you want to live the next 30 years as vibrantly as possible. You need to have a healthy body. I’ll be honest, if you’re a man and you want your penis to work as an older man, you want to be as healthy as you can. Diet, exercise. All the normal things.
Taking care of yourself.
You’ve got to start drinking more water, stop drinking calories, got to walk more. Just the whole start eating clean. I spend a lot of time with the basics of this in the Solo book, which may seem a little bit weird, but I think that this is so essential, foundational for every element of our life.
As you’re feeling healthy and good about yourself, that radiates from your personality and what you have to offer.
I’ll add to this. If you don’t feel great about your body, one of the ways to feel better about your body is to get some better clothes. Spruce up your wardrobe, get a stylist, get someone who has good taste, and get clothes that fit, that look good on you, and that are the right colors. Get a new haircut. Grow a beard.
That’s the second time we’ve referenced that because Peter grew a beard.
It changed my look. Thanks to Julie Nirvelli. Honestly, I think that’s the first place to start. Where do you think the second place to go is?
Not a dating app. I would say find hobbies and activities that are interesting to you and hope to meet people through those.
It’s funny you say this because my reaction was that I think the place to start for this person is to start flirting. Just a little flirting. It’s just a warm-up. When I go to the gym, the deadlift, I don’t just go pick up a big heavy bar.
I like it.
I warm up. Are you excited to flirt? Are you getting good responses with your flirting? Is it getting you interested? This person seems a little. They want to do it, but they’re not sure the world has changed.
Flirting, if you want to start in the most simple way, in the grocery store or wherever, you can just say, “Those are great shoes. That’s a fabulous outfit.” It literally will brighten someone’s day. It’s such a benign place to start.
On my date, I told the woman, “You have a great nose.” She’s like, “Thank you for noticing, I grew it myself.”
That’s funny.
I was like, “I wasn’t sure. It’s so good.”
Maybe don’t lead with you have a great nose.
I think maybe that’s probably, especially because this person’s not looking for a conventional relationship, they’re unsure, I think it’s just warm up those muscles, but it’s connected to your point, where are the people that you would want to flirt with? Are they in church?
Are they at museums, live music?
Are they at the open mic? Is it a walking club? Whatever it might be that’s there.
Smile at people. Make eye contact and smile at people. That’s huge.
To both this person asking the question and the previous one, good luck. We’re rooting for you. I hope it turns out well.
Let us know. We have a couple of questions related to friends with benefits.
I love a little friends-with-benefits action.
Should I read both of them together?
Sure.
What Are The Best Apps For Exploring Unconventional Connections?
The first one is, “What are the best apps for exploring unconventional connections like friends with benefits or live-apart partnerships? Feeld has been mentioned as a dating app on the show. Is this a good fit for someone who wants emotional intimacy and romance but doesn’t want to fall into the girlfriend-boyfriend dynamic? What’s your experience with it?” The second question is, “I want to know how to pursue a friends-with-benefits situation that includes emotional intimacy and romance, but I’ve been told this veers too much into traditional girlfriend-boyfriend territory. How do I navigate this while staying true to solo values?”
That’s an interesting puzzle, the second one.
It is because I feel like as people start to become intimate regularly, programmed habits or beliefs start to creep in, in terms of, “We’re doing this, so you should do that. We’re doing this, so that means X, Y, Z.”
There’s a little bit of tension in the second question, which is what a friends-with-benefits is I think about it, or Amy Garan always says, call it a sexual friendship. That is, you have a platonic connection romantically. You’re not romantically involved in this person, with this person, but you are sexually involved with them. They’re a friend with a sexual benefit.
I also understand, like, where’s the line between platonic and romantic? Going out to dinner with your friend and then going home and having sex with your friend feels a little romantic in this way. I think what this person’s identifying is that it may not be romance per se, but all the other things that go into the escalator. The merging, the hierarchy because friends with benefit relationships don’t typically have a hierarchy.
They ask about traditional boyfriend, girlfriend territory.
I feel like this is a relationship design puzzle rather than using the existing label of friends with benefits or sexual friendship.
I like that because the label, just as you were saying what Amy Garan would say, I started thinking, “Have I ever had friends with benefits? I don’t think so because I like the romance piece of it.” I feel like a friend, like you were just saying. The label is what we’re getting tripped up on. I think you’re right. That’s why this is a relationship design question.
I would say go read the Relationship Design episode. What that allows you to do is to say, “I do want some romantic gestures with you. It’d be nice to occasionally receive a gift or give a gift or to hold hands in public or to do a little romantic getaway and so on, that I don’t want us to be just like any other friends and we happen to be having sex.”
Now, there is a little bit of research on friends with benefits. They will often move into a more traditional partnership because you develop feelings. There are sometimes, though, tension because one person wants to go that way, the other just wants to keep in that way. That’s why I think a relationship design conversation rather than using an existing moniker for this person.
I’m wondering if this person has somebody in mind already.
I think they do. It’s going to be important for them to figure out what that other person will want there. My guess is they don’t really want merging or hierarchy. Maybe they don’t want monogamy. I don’t know. There’s all this because when they say traditional, it has all those other things that come along with it. I hope it works. I think that having someone you already know you like, you already trust, you already get along with, and that you can build on that foundation of friendship to create physical intimacy and then perhaps romantic intimacy, but not get tied up in all the other things, is exciting.
The Feeld, this person.
Feeld, one, the apps are imperfect. I think that the major apps, Hinge and Bumble, have been pivoting to include more non-traditional people in them. For example, on the Feeld now, you can say that you’re looking for non-monogamy. They let you choose more than one thing. It used to be that it might be like marriage, a long-term partnership, fun dates, intimacy without connection, figuring out unsure, not sure. Now, non-monogamy is one of those things, and you’re allowed to choose two. You can say, “I’m looking for a long-term partnership and non-monogamy. I’m looking for fun dates and long-term.”
Which app are you talking about?
Bumble. I think Hinge also allows this, and it even gives you a little box where you can explain yourself a little bit, too. I would say, first of all, that most of the people on those apps are still looking to ride the escalator, but there is space for non-traditional people on those apps.
Those apps started probably realizing that Feeld was filling a need. I do have some brief experience with Feeld several years ago. I met a couple of people there, and they were very interesting conversations. That’s what I would say about the field. Your conversation starts from a different starting point than on Bumble or Hinge because people on the field are already outside the norm. I would say I had interesting conversations with the people I met. I never had a connection beyond. I never had more than one meeting with anybody on the field, but I also wasn’t on there very long.
I’ve been on there longer and off and on. To Feeld is certainly an app for non-traditional daters, romancers, etc. There’s a lot of like kink community people, people who are into BDSM, people who are not necessarily cisgender. There are couples on there. It’s pretty broad in terms of what you can find. If you have a very niche kink, you’re more likely to find that on Feeld than I think anywhere else. I guess there’s something called FetLife, which I’ve never dabbled in. It’s like Feeld Plus or whatever.
You can’t quote me on that. The knock on Feeld is that there’s not a lot of inventory. That’s a really harsh way to put it. There’s not a lot of people. Some cities, Denver’s pretty good, New York City’s good, LA’s good, Portland’s probably good. Bigger cities are good, but if you’re in a smaller city or if you’re more suburban or rural, it’s going to be harder to find people. If this matters, there’s a huge gender split. There are a ton of men on Feeld and many fewer women.
I know this because when I first signed up for Feeld, I matched with this very lovely woman. She was great. I was like, “I found my app.” She offhandedly mentioned that she turned the app on and within two days, had over 800 likes and pings. It was just completely overwhelming. I was lucky to have three matches. Depending on your gender and your orientation, there may be either too much to choose from or almost nothing to choose from.
I paid to have myself hidden on Feeld for that. I think that happened to me, too. I got overwhelmed, and then you can hide yourself and then reach out to people on your own.
By the way, my thing is I think paying for the upgrades on the apps to be able to be incognito or to have extra likes or whatever the benefits are, I think, are generally worthwhile, at least for your first month to try it. When you become a paying customer, you get treated better. If you think about it, you’re going to pay X dollars for a date, so why not pay X dollars to get a better date?
That’s a good way to look at it.
I think the field is a good place to find a friends-with-benefits situation. It’s not. You’re not going to offend anybody by saying you’re looking for a live-apart-together thing. Those are so vanilla compared to some of the stuff that people are looking for. You’re certainly not going to have the friction that you might in other places. Even now, these other mainstream apps, a sexual friendship or live apart together is not like, “Whoa.” Especially if you’re being honest and you’re not saying you want X and then wanting Y.
Good, those are good questions.
Those are good. These last two, I think, now we’re turning to sex. As I said, all these questions are leftovers from the solo and romance one, which garnered a lot of interest. Which one do you want to do?
Go ahead, the first one.
“What do no-way solos, who still have a sex drive and a desire for sexual intimacy, do when the desire strikes, but masturbation just doesn’t cut it? Not popular, sex work. Asking for a friend who’s looking for information and inspiration.”
Asking for a friend. You’re anonymous here.
You can ask for yourself, either way. I think this is a fascinating question.
It is a fascinating question, and it’s funny because friends with benefits could help in this area.
It could. I find a lot of people are a hybrid. I think a lot of people are like, “I’m mostly in no way, but occasionally I’m a new way, or I’m a no way, but I’m a just may.” They can imagine someone comes into their life and they pivot, or now they’re not working 60 hours a week, and they have space. The idea of being a no way in general but then also craving some physical intimacy is, I think, very real and very possible. I don’t think that’s an oxymoron or a paradox, anyway.
Sex work.
The idea is that self-love is not doing it for you.
Self-love in quotations.
Now, I want to question that premise for a moment, which is like, how are you doing this? I’ve talked about this in the past, which is, we can call it service masturbation.
Just get it done.
Get it done, stress relief, have a little bit of pleasure, and so on. Versus really making love to yourself.
Lighting candles.
Lighting candles, getting in the right thing. Getting in the right mood, using the right massage oils, having the right fantasy, having the right material in your mind or externally that can get you really aroused. I would point this person to some of the work on tantra, that there are these practices around breathing, edging, and withholding that can really increase the intensity of an orgasm, that can create a full-body orgasm response, and so on. That’s the first thing. If you’re like, “The masturbation is blah.” Maybe there’s a way to rev it up a bit. That’s the first thing that I would.
I want to make a comment in there. I’m assuming this was written by a man because women don’t often inquire about sex work.
Not as often, though, that’s true.
As far as what we were just talking about, for women, there’s an amazing book called Pussy: A Reclamation and the author is Mama Gena, and she talks a lot about creating a space for yourself, a lot like what you were just talking about.
Also, the other thing is, by the way, a lot of those tantric practices translate very well to being a better lover, to being more present, to being more sensual, to having more control over your orgasms, and so on.
That makes sense if you’re being more intentional.
Learning your body and no one ever teaches us these things. I will say this. I recognize that sex work is a controversial topic in society, in the community, etc.
What was the most controversial solo episode?
It was the Sugar-Dating episode.
The sugar baby we interviewed.
I will just say this. I am pro-choice. That means that I believe that people should have autonomy over their bodies. That means that if you want to accept resources, money, gifts, whatever, to be intimate with people, I believe you should be able to do that. As long as there’s honesty, there’s consent, or there’s no harm being done. That’s what I was going to say. You’re taking care of sexual health and so on.
No one’s going to convince me differently about that. I also will respect people who believe that it’s wrong. That’s fine in that way. As someone who’s pro-choice, I am pro-sex work. I don’t think there’s anything wrong if someone wants to do that on either side, as a client or not. I think that there are some challenges in America. This is in all but a very few places. It’s illegal. I think for a lot of people with the sugar dating episode they see that as light sex work, or they just see it as sex work.
There’s no difference between that and old-school prostitution in a way. In their minds. Again, they’re welcome to have that. The question just becomes, how do you do this in a way that is going to be safe for you? That is going to be, not get you in trouble, not put your job in jeopardy, not put your personal reputation in jeopardy or whatnot. That means either you take some calculated risks, I guess. I figure that out, or you go somewhere where it’s legal. There’s a whole host of places in the world where sex work is legal.
Didn’t the sugar baby say there’s an app for sugar daddies and sugar babies?
There are a bunch of these apps that are out there.
That would be a calculated, less-calculated risk. That sounds like not as risky.
I think that those sugar dating apps could be a play. I think that this person could listen to that episode and gather some information about this. I’m hesitant to prescribe anything. In part because I don’t want to prescribe something that is illegal where this person may be. It’s the oldest profession for a reason. There’s always been demand for it.
There have always been people who want to engage in it, whether it be massage parlors, sugar dating, pure sex work, going to the bunny ranch outside of Vegas, or going on a trip somewhere where it is legal. Australia in certain provinces, sex work is legal now in this way. I think that this is up to someone, their conscience, their own desires for risk-taking, and their own morality to do that, but I think what you’ve suggested is also a potential alternative.
Hopefully, that information will help your friend.
I think also this idea of like, a friends with benefits might be a place to explore also. Is there someone that there is some attraction, you’re friends with them, they have needs too, and they’re willing to engage in consensual physical intimacy with no strings attached, in that way. I appreciate this person bringing this up because we haven’t really talked much about this topic. Last question.
Understanding The Life Of Asexual Singles
“I’d like to explore the topic of being asexual or singles who don’t crave sex.”
This is the flip side.
“Is it healthy? Is it something to be treated? Are they missing out on something or are they living authentically? Also, how important is intimacy in an individual’s life overall?”
Big question.
There’s lots in there.
That’s a good one that we’re going to end on. What’s your first reaction to that?
I think so many things go into people’s feelings and attitudes about these things.
The first thing I want to say for both this question and the previous question, as well as many of the other ones, is I want to thank people for their vulnerability. These are delicate topics, and they’re ones that often strike very close to a person’s core, identity, and desires.
Insecurities, like, “Is there something wrong with me?”
Yes, because the world keeps telling you you’re supposed to behave in these, what this is wrong, this is right, this is how you should do it, this is how you shouldn’t do it, the ooh, the ick in that way. Look, I chose to strip people’s names from this, recognizing that. The first thing I want to say to this person is I want to point them to I have an Asexuality episode with an advocate who’s asexual, and it’s a fascinating episode. The data suggests that 1 in 100 people are asexual. I believe that number is much higher.
How many people are pretending because that’s what society says?
Are they not willing to admit it? Also, I think some people are asexual by birth versus asexual by choice. There’s a difference there. People are asexual for a variety of reasons. Some of them they just lack that desire. There’s just something about their chemistry, genetics, wiring, etc. As an aside, there’s also an aromantic episode. You can be asexual and aromantic. You can be asexual and romantic. You can be aromantic and sexual.
There are permutations of this thing. The Aromantic episode with Jessalyn Dean. It’s an outstanding episode. I just want this person and anyone to know that being asexual, whether it be forever or for now, is way more normal than you think it is. It’s hard to know because no one talks about their lack of sexual desire.
As we said, may not want to admit.
That’s right. Their straight-up question is, is it healthy? For the most part, it’s completely healthy and normal to feel this way. I think that some causes of asexuality might be worth doing some work on. You could be asexual, for example, because you’ve had very bad sexual trauma and you just can’t trust, you just don’t feel. It’s just so and so in that way, maybe getting some therapy to deal with your trauma and those things.
That’s bound to bleed into other parts of your life.
It’s not about fixing your asexuality, it’s about dealing with the fact that you’ve had a horrible experience that you didn’t deserve in life and how do you work through that in order to be able to be a whole self in that way. I think being asexual and knowing it and living it is living completely authentically. I think sex is wonderful. I think it’s super fun. I think it can be a peak hedonic experience.
I think that masturbation can be really wonderful and can be a peak hedonic experience. I think having a human touch is important. It doesn’t have to be sexual touch. It can be holding hands, it can be cuddling, it could be hugging people, it could be getting a massage, getting skin-to-skin contact. I think the more important thing beyond the touch is I do think that having intimacy is important. To have someone you can open up to.
That could be a friend.
Of course, a friend or a family member. I have these things like, there’s my public life, there’s my private life, and there’s my secret life. The people who have access to my secret life, you’re one of them. Those are deeply intimate relationships. You could ruin my life, Julie. Don’t extort me. What I mean in that way? We have a deeply intimate relationship. We hug and kiss on the cheek, but that’s it in this way.
I think the trouble that a lot of people have is, and I think is the case with men, heterosexual men, is that a lot of their intimacy is connected to the sex. That’s how they are connected. That’s how they form a bond and so on. They only have this one person or no people. Imagine now you don’t have anyone who wants to have sex with you. Developing a wider repertoire of behaviors, whether they be physical touch or emotional touch, is useful for people to develop and to focus on.
To have that intimacy.
Nothing this person says to me suggests to me that there’s anything wrong with them. I would love to normalize aromanticism and asexuality with people because I think it’s much more common for people, and I think it crops up in various times in life. I appreciate them asking the question. I’m glad that we have previous episodes that are related.
There were more questions that we have decided not to answer.
We’re not answering these questions, not because we don’t care. This was a series of questions around men’s issues, aging, and community support.
I think this is a big topic.
It’s such a big topic. It’s a topic I care about, and I think we’re going to do a whole separate episode on it. I need to think about it. I think we should have a third guest.
For sure, yeah.
Talk about these men’s issues. It hasn’t come up a lot in the show. There is one episode that I would point to. I had a conversation, it was a 53-year-old talks to a 23-year-old about manhood with Daniel. That’s a great episode, for young men, at least. If you’re a middle-aged man, you’re probably not going to get as much out of it, I think so. The time is right for this.
Yes, I agree.
Julie?
It was fun, as always.
As always, thank you for doing it.
Thank you for having me.
Important Links
- Julie Nirvelli
- Solo Thoughts 16 – Past Episode
- Shtick to Business
- Single In Rio De Janeiro, Brazil episode with Monique and Teresa – Past Episode
- Relationship Design – Past Episode
- Dating App Help (Hell) with Jessalyn Dean – Past Episode
- Pussy: A Reclamation
- Seeking Arrangements – Past Episode
- Asexuality – Past Episode
- Aromanticism with Jessalyn Dean – Past Episode
- Listener Question #1 – Past Episode
- Solo
- Why It’s OK to be single, Dr. Peter McGraw, TEDxBoulder
About Julie Nirvelli
Julie Nirvelli was born and raised in San Jose, CA and earned her college degree from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. She has lived in Colorado for 18+ years. As a strong, independent and fun-loving person, Julie embraces the solo life. She is also a Solo sponsor, with her company Bachelor Girl productions, which offers you fun flirty t-shirts.