Your space is more than just where you live—it’s a reflection of your independence and the life you’re building. Breakup coach and Sex and the Solo Girl host Janice Formichella joins Peter McGraw in the Solo Studio to explore how to design a solo space that supports your well-being, creativity, and personal growth. They cover everything from choosing the right location to adding personal touches, small luxuries, and routines that make your home feel like you.
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Listen to Episode #237 here
Creating Your Solo Space
My return guest, on her fourth appearance, is a breakup coach and the host of the show Sex and the Solo Girl. She’s passionate about helping people from all backgrounds beat their breakups, overcome loneliness, and make the end of a relationship the start of a powerful new beginning. She is also quite active in the Solo community, which you can sign up for at PeterMcGraw.org/Solo. She joins me in the Solo studio to talk about creating your solo space. Welcome back, Janice Formichella.
Thank you. I’m having fun already.
Importance Of Creating A Solo Space
You’re shot out of a cannon, I can tell. You suggested this topic. Why do you think creating a solo space is important? Why is it important to have an intention around this idea?
I think living alone can seem confronting to some people, especially if it’s a lifelong commitment like it is for me. Having it personalized, comfortable, and juicy can make it easier. It can make it fun. If you aren’t used to spending a lot of time alone, it can make it enjoyable. I am a classic extrovert, and I find that I love being at home. It keeps me company in a way.
I think certainly sleep alone requires you to spend a lot of time in a space, typically a house or apartment. Plus, leisure time, and more people are working remotely. They’re entrepreneurs. They’re on their own. They’re using their house as a home base, as a workplace, or as a place perhaps to socialize to live their remarkable life, as I like to say. Your surroundings matter. They affect your emotions, psychology, and your productivity.
I’m looking forward to being there.
I think it also is, in the same way that your clothes are an outward reflection of who you are when you’re out in public. Your solo space can be a reflection.
Interesting because I’m into both things. I always say my clothes are my hobby, and so is decorating. I think it can be fun and useful to show people what you’re about.
We should probably tackle this idea right away, which is creating your solo space, one that is comfortable, that enhances your mental well-being, physical well-being, and career perhaps. You can see it in two ways. This is just for me. As a result, sometimes you may make, as I have as a younger man, some dubious design decisions, so to speak. This came up way early in the show, or somewhere I saw. There like was a thread on Reddit. It was a bachelor talking, and he had, as an end table to his couch, a cardboard box.
I was going to mention somewhere along the way that that’s one reason I wanted to do this topic because, for whatever reason, a lot of the men in my life don’t spend as much time on it. I also find that they’re not as keen to stay home as I am, at least. I would encourage the men. We have a lot of great men in the community to maybe spend a little extra time and thought on their surroundings, for sure.
That’s obviously an extreme example. The person who decided to put a cardboard box, his argument was, “It serves the same purpose as an end table from a functional standpoint. I can put my drink on it. It’s not a problem.” I get that. My argument is and will always be, yes, but there is something about creating a pleasing aesthetic environment for yourself.
Also, putting effort and thought into it makes a big difference.
The other one is, should you decide to entertain? Whatever that may be. Whether that may be a date, having people over for a dinner party, or just a family member coming to visit. That cardboard box is going to make them uncomfortable. They’re not going to feel welcome.
Also, you’re not going to be as excited to have people over. Again, I have had male friends who have never invited people over or don’t invite people over. They say they’re not comfortable showing people.
What they love.
Why are you not comfortable showing people, but you’re spending so much time there?
Again, one of the things is, it’s like, I love my solitude. I love living alone. I love sleeping alone. I also like to entertain on occasion. I want to create a warm, welcoming environment. Also, it makes my life better to surround myself with people who are interesting, fun, entertaining, love me, and I love them, and so on. I just had to start with this edge case.
How did this even come up on the thread?
Beginning With Your Lifestyle
It was something I stumbled upon. This is not a member of the Solo community. I’m not throwing anyone under the bus. This is like a Reddit thing. Let’s start with the big picture of choosing a place rather than getting into what goes into that place. Where would you start?
I would start with lifestyle. I will also say that this might be one of the more crucial aspects of living alone. For instance, where do your friends live? Where is the supermarket? How long will you have to commute to be around people? That’s a big one for me. I don’t drive, and I always wanted to live by the supermarket. It makes such a difference. I also want to be in walking proximity to my friends. This is crucial. Don’t go for the cheapest place. Consider what your day-to-day is going to be like.
That is certainly the case. What is your lifestyle? One of the things is, in America, car culture dominates. That’s often a default. I think that suburban living can be isolating for couples. It can especially be so for singles, at least certain singles who are more social, who want to walk. I’m trying to be on my feet walking as soon as possible. I’m walking to a café. I joke I’m non-monogamous with my coffee shops. I’m not going to the same one every day. I’m moving around.
Are they all within walking distance?
I’m okay with walking 30 minutes.
I always say if it’s under 45 minutes, I will walk almost anywhere. Not when we’re having this Arctic thingy here in Denver.
At the moment, yes, but even then, I’m willing to do it. What’s the saying? There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes.
Being from Arizona, I still am not used to it. I have friends who, for instance, will stay home because it’s just too much of a trek to get into the city. It makes me sad.
I think that consideration of lifestyle. Zachary in the Solo Community wrote, “Location is big. Being close to your people or key activities is important. When someone needs me urgently, it’s nice when the drive is short.”
I got locked out of my apartment, and I was able to call my best friend. She was there at the pub to meet me within ten minutes. I felt very moved that I had somebody who could come to my rescue so quickly.
I think your activity level, how social you are, where you work, how you work, trying to figure out how to do this. Unfortunately, housing is a major expense for solos, more so than for couples.
Thirty percent more, I believe.
Choosing The Right Type Of Space
There’s a saying in real estate, location, location, and location. You might have to pay a bit of a premium for your lifestyle. If you can make that happen, that’s great. Let’s talk next about the type of space.
I’m an apartment dweller, and I’ve been an apartment dweller my entire life. You’re going to want to consider things like what floor you’re on and what a difference that’s going to make. I would never be comfortable on a first floor, perhaps as a woman, or because of noise, or something. That is going to affect so much of your day.
The question is, studio living, apartment living, are you going to get a detached house? Are you going to try something non-traditional like communal living? Are you going to have roommates? That might factor into some of these choices. Again, what aligns with your lifestyle? Do you garden? You need to have a garden. Thus, that’s going to affect. Maybe now you’re in a guest house when otherwise you might have been in an apartment.
Do you work from home? That’s important. I would never encourage anybody who works from home to, for instance, work on their bed. I think having a standout place has lot to be said for that.
Are you going to have at least part-time of co-working space?
Also, what your budget is. That’s a good point. I like the idea of a co-working space if maybe your space is smaller or if you live alone and you want to interact with people during the day.
You can just imagine, you work at home. Do you have a studio and a co-working space, or do you have a two-bedroom apartment? A two-bedroom apartment is a lot of money for a workspace that you only use eight hours a day.
I always say that my favorite co-working space is the pub down the street from me. I was also going to mention, in your neighborhood having a go-to where you spend time like the coffee shops that you go to. I will say, I live in an area with a lot of singles. In fact, I’m not sure I have very many friends who cohabitate. I will go down there, and there will be 5 or 6 people with their laptops sitting there working. It’s great. I’ve met a bunch of my close friends there. It is a relief to be able to get out, especially during the summer when it’s hot as hell in there.
This third-space idea came up in the conversations on the Solo community. I’m looking for the note.
I love that concept. The pub would be my third space.
My coffee shop is my third space. It’s a place just to see other people and have a different set of energy. Also, when I’m working in a coffee shop, it feels less like work than in an office. Sometimes even at home. Let’s be honest, at home, sometimes you’re like, “I’m going to run the dishwasher. I’m going to do some laundry.”
I do my laundry because I enjoy doing my laundry.
There are good times to do laundry, and there are good times to work, I think.
I’ve set a new rule where I’m only allowed to do laundry on the weekends. I will also say, I don’t know what it is. It was probably this, I’m way more productive when I’m working at a pub.
Gavin wrote, “As an introvert, I find it important for my emotional well-being to be within walking distance of at least one comfy third place like a coffee shop or café. Being near commercial activity makes me feel less isolated, even if I don’t go out often.”
I was going to mention, for people who are new to this, maybe moving to a new area or being in something more urban will make you feel like you’re just a part of things.
One of the things I talk about is this third characteristic of solos, which is that they think non-traditionally. They think unconventionally. This is especially important here because there is a tendency to default into the way things are and the way things have been. I’ll give you an example of something like this, which is, you live alone, but you have people who stay with you on occasion. Things like, “I’ll get a second bedroom so then I can host people.” We’re in what’s technically a second bedroom of my place, which is not quite a second bedroom. I can make it that. It’s quite small. I’ve turned it into a studio.
One option would be to have a one-bedroom or have a studio. The money you save, you just treat your guests to a hotel room. I have a hotel that’s a hundred meters away. It’s a three-star place. It’s not super fancy, but it’s also not embarrassing. It’s comfortable. I’ve stayed there once. Let’s suppose you have someone visit. You’re like, “I have this room that sits isolated for eleven months out of twelve months a year.” Do I then spend the money that I save on a hotel room?
That’s very generous. I’m sitting here so amazed. I have a friend who has a studio apartment. Her boyfriend lives in the area. She will go stay with him for a few nights.
Even better. Is it in the building?
It’s not in my building, but it’s down the street because, again, I’m lucky enough that I’ve met people out and about. It’s a great situation.
Perfect. Sometimes inquire, does your apartment complex have a unit that they rent out? I think that might be the case here in my building. Sometimes they have a furnished apartment that they rent out to members of the community.
I’ve seen the signs for it.
Look at that. I didn’t even know that. What we’re talking about is, question the assumptions, think about your lifestyle, and think about your needs.
I think I do that with the car thing. I’ve lived in New York City, and in Melbourne. I didn’t have a car for years. People ask me all the time why I don’t but several of my friends in the same neighborhood don’t. Again, I’m thinking outside of the box. There’s a different lifestyle I want to have and it works for me. I forget sometimes that I don’t have a car.
I think about when I first started living on my own, you needed a car. Public transportation was barely adequate. There was no Uber, Lyft, and renting bikes. Also, renting a car. You couldn’t just rent a car for three hours. Now, you can piece together a lot of solutions and save you the fixed cost of paying for insurance as it sits there, parking spot, maintenance and all these other things. Especially for someone who might only need a car an afternoon a week or for the occasional weekend road trip.
I get nervous about thinking about having to have repairs for my car. Again, going back to living in Arizona, people’s cars break down all the time. It was so icky for me. I do recognize also that I’m lucky where I live. There are things within walking distance. Again, keep that in mind when you’re finding a place.
How To Live On A Budget
Let’s talk about budget stuff because before we can get to the fun stuff, the decorating and the fun things you can do, as we’ve already talked about. Being solo, you often don’t have the hedge of a second income. You can’t share the cost of a space. You might have to live on a budget, follow on a budget. Let’s talk about some budget-friendly tips that people could consider.
I will, first of all, say, do your research. Ask around. I live in a heritage building. I think it was built in the ‘30s, so there are some amenities that I don’t have. It happens to be that this company also has under-market-rate rents. I only knew that because I asked around. I went online and did so much research. I found out what the main cost of apartments is in my area and happened to come across this. That might not be accessible to everyone, but I spent weeks figuring this out.
Certainly, there’s research on this in consumer behavior, which is that the longer you search, the more likely you’re going to find a better deal, a better fit, and so on.
Better location too.
You recognize that you might benefit from taking your time with that. The other one I think that is important, and this was the case as a younger man who was on much more of a budget. You don’t have to buy things that are new. Again, it’s a time-money trade-off, which is what we can do now, you can go onto Wayfair, Amazon, or Ikea. You can have this stuff shipped to your place. It’s brand new. It’s often, though, shoddy materials.
I got my couch on Amazon. I was so determined to have a pink couch, which I do but I was on a budget. I spent a little bit more on my rent. Not that I can’t afford, but I don’t have high expectations because it is starting to fall apart. However, I can fix it but having Amazon and things delivered, I had my bed delivered. The world is becoming more solo-friendly, for sure. I skimped on a lot of that stuff. I think I got almost everything from Amazon. I’m grateful for it.
Alternatives are like Facebook Marketplace, going to yard sales or thrift stores.
I see what you’re saying.
Even DIY stuff, like make it yourself if you’re a handy person, or even finding alternatives. That poor bachelor who has his cardboard box as a side table, a slight upgrade is like an old-school wine box that’s turned over. That has a little vintage feel to it, which is a little bit playful and fun.
Maybe having more pride in it as well.
Taking a piece of furniture that doesn’t exactly fit, painting it, or resurfacing it. A little bit of sweat equity, and investment in time can be useful for outfitting your place with furniture, for example.
I love this. Another tip that I will give is, there’s this whole movement across the country of Buy Nothing Facebook groups. People will give away so many things for free. You can go on and ask for things. I am into mine. I cannot believe some of the things that I’ve got for free. I was using just a normal kitchen chair for my office chair for years, and I finally realized this has to go. I went on there and asked, “Who has an office chair?” I got almost a brand-new office chair for free. Go on Facebook, it’s Buy Nothing for your area and get active. I got shelves as well and a bunch of things.
That’s fabulous. I’m a big Goodwill person. I give a lot to Goodwill. It doesn’t have to feel onerous or work. One of the ways to make it feel fun is find your Janice. If you and I went out searching for cool stuff for an apartment, it would be a fun afternoon. Also, you find someone who has better taste than you, who can guide you to make the right decisions.
That’s a good tip, especially if you’re a man with a cardboard box. One more tip. As far as decor goes, a lot of people are surprised that I buy a lot of things on Instagram. There are a lot of people who make businesses out of reselling things that they find in thrift shops, and putting them online, on Instagram specifically. There are cool, funky things. I’ve got a lot of my decor, things that you would never think that you’d find on there.
I think that’s great. Another tip I find is eBay art. There’s a lot of art that you can buy fairly inexpensively off of eBay.
It’s super funky and one of a kind, too.
It’s not that expensive sometimes to have someone make something for you that you want, rather than buying a very expensive piece of art. Again, it’s about taking the time to do it. I have to say this, this is not going to happen in a weekend. This is a process. In the same way that if you wanted to upgrade your wardrobe, you’re not going to just do that overnight. It’s going to take a little bit of time. Even if it’s small, just recognize that it may take weeks or months or even years.
I’m still doing new things in my place. I’ve lived there for four years. This comes back to the point of developing a relationship with your space and adding to it and beautifying it over time.
I recognize that, again, people have limited budgets. The money that you might spend on a nicer place or on better furniture or design has to come from somewhere. I don’t want it coming out of your retirement accounts or your emergency fund. We have a solo cooking episode that I would point people to. Maybe starting to prepare your own food rather than Uber Eats or DoorDash or going out has multiple benefits. It’s typically cheaper, and healthier. Also, because you have this nice space, you get to enjoy your space with an enjoyable, healthy, home-cooked meal.
That goes into self-care, which I do think having a nice place to live is a part of self-care, and making a nice dinner is part of that as well. One more DIY tip. A lot of the ideas that I’ve got for my place, I got off of Pinterest.
I could see that. One of the very nice things about Pinterest or having a friend who has good taste, is you can learn to have good taste. It’s not going to happen overnight. I would not say that I had good taste in my 20s and 30s. I developed it by paying attention and trying to just be smarter about design, art, and learning. Again, it shouldn’t feel like work. It should feel like play.
Creating A Welcoming And Tidy Home
It should feel, in the same way that, maybe going to the gym at first feels like work, but then eventually feels like play. You do it because it makes you feel good. I think this is a similar dynamic. You mentioned self-care. One of the things that came up in the Solo community got me thinking about, these don’t have to be major costs.
Allie wrote, “I love the calmness of my home now that it’s just me. I’ve learned I like quiet, low-light evenings after active days, and creating this space has been so empowering.” Even just getting the right lighting or candles. The Hooga episode is about this idea of comfiness. Candles are an important part of this, or just having a nice blanket, especially in the winter, to sit on the couch and just feel good. That’s a fairly modest investment in money that can have a major effect.
I like what she says about coming home and feeling calm. That’s what putting a little more effort into your space does. I love that. It makes me feel at ease when I come home.
What are some things that either you do or people could do to help that welcoming feeling?
I am very tidy, and coming home to a tidy home is relaxing. It makes me look forward to it. Also, something that’s hard, especially in a heritage building, I don’t have a dishwasher. Going into the kitchen with dirty dishes makes me personally stressed. I try my hardest to keep up with it. In fact, one of my goals for the week is to always have the dishes done. I found that I was falling a little bit behind, and I didn’t like it, seriously. Now, I put a little more effort in coming home to a perfectly clean kitchen. It’s a great feeling.
There’s cleanliness and tidiness. I think both of those things are important. There is a tidying-up episode. I feel like there’s an episode for everything that we’re talking about.
I don’t know the tidying-up episode only with the food episode.
It’s with Suzette Smith, who’s a professional organizer. It’s an outstanding episode. I remember a buddy of mine. I was like 23, and he goes, “Peter, you’re not as clean as you think you are. You’re tidy.” Having a clean space, especially your bathroom, and kitchen, again, makes you feel good and also is welcoming to people who are visiting you.
It’s having little rituals. I have wipes in my bathroom. Every single day, I’m cleaning up. Also, you want to feel at ease when you go into your bathroom.
The tidying-up thing, there’s these two levels to it. There’s the day-to-day tidying up, like putting your dishes away and so on. There’s the macro tidying up, which is how you get rid of unwanted things. One of the things that happens a lot, and I’ve talked to real estate agents about this when they prepare a space to sell is staging a place.
One of the things that a professional stager will do is just get rid of 25% of the stuff in the space. It still feels more open now. It reduces the clutter and so on. A lot of people have too much stuff, or they have a lot of stuff that they need, but they’re not good at putting it in the right places. You feel like the walls are closing in on you.
You might not realize that it makes you stressed until you start to clear it out. It will make a difference. I will say two tips for that. If you can figure out a storage space, which for me, for a long time, it meant putting my bed on bricks or stands so that I could fit things underneath. I also have an ongoing box in one of my closets that I will put things in overtime and let them gather, then donate them for sure.
By the way, if you have a hard time throwing things out or recycling or donating them, that idea of having a box is good because so much of this is like, “I might need this someday.” If you put something and it’s sat in a box for a year, or you have a shirt that you haven’t worn in a year. It’s probably safe to recycle it, give it away, or donate it, and so on. I have a friend who has this great technique to help him overcome his procrastination when it comes to household chores. Yours might be doing the dishes.
I have a tip that I’ll give after this.
Another one I often find is like folding clothes or putting clothes away. You don’t have this problem because you’re obsessed with your laundry. For a lot of people, the clothes go from the dryer into the laundry basket, then they just sit there. Maybe now it sits on the floor of your room or whatever. What he does, he times how long it takes.
That’s my tip.
He folds his clothes and he’s like, “Six minutes.”
I will set it for seven minutes. Seven is an advantageous number. If something seems overwhelming or that I don’t want to do, I’ll set it for seven minutes. You’d be surprised how much you can get done. When the timer goes off, I’m done.
I turn some things into a game. I’m like, “Can I get all these dishes in the dishwasher before the song’s over?”
That’s great.
I gamify it in that sense.
It will not seem burdensome if you can do it before a song ends or within seven minutes.
I push people to the tidying up episode with Suzette. It’s outstanding. She covers not only the techniques but also the emotional element to this. I would say one of the best places to start if you want to create a solo space. In America, this is a problem because we have this tendency to be consumers. We buy things.
One of the best places to start is, what can you remove? What can you take away that is going to add value because you feel guilty about that thing and it’s in the way? It takes up space. It’s not exactly what you want. By removing it, then you might be incentivized to make the fix associated with it.
Opening up space for something else that is important to you. You’ll have more emotional breathing room if you have less clutter. Also, you’ll be able to work out in your house a little easier because you’ll have space to do it, which is one of the tips I was going to give, have at least some space, where you can get some exercise done.
I have a stretching protocol I do at the end of the day. It is because I’ve been sitting or laying down, and I just want to do some light gentle movements. Having enough space to do Downward Dog, or to do Cobra, or to reach and touch your toes, I do it right in front of my stereo. I usually will put on some vinyl. I feel very special when I do that.
I’m smiling so big because I do that as well. I love throwing my yoga mat down and having plenty of space for it to just flop.
That’s great. Allie says, “I can’t tell you the joy I get from the big cleanups, taking care of the laundry piles or dishes by the cleaning fairy, aka me. The space feels like a sanctuary.” I do think that there is something about that. It’s about having respect for yourself. This is going to sound a little woo-woo, Janice, so bear with me for a moment.
I notice that when I do my psychedelic trips, when I do my mushroom trips especially. I feel very connected to people in my life. I can often feel connected to inanimate objects. I saw one on ex. Someone mentioned it, and we had a little conversation who’s some stranger across the globe. He and I had a little conversation about it, where one is, as I’m coming down from a trip, I’ll want to tidy up my space.
I start to have this very strong feeling of gratitude. Even when I’m throwing things away, I thank them. I’m often very focused on what I call my tools, my computer, my phone, and various things in my life that are very important for me, that help me live my life in a way. I express my gratitude for those things.
I think that there is something that is respectful about your stuff, these inanimate objects that touch our skin, that help provide us sustenance and are deserving of our gratitude. We should be thankful that we have ovens, washing machines, refrigerators, computers, phones, and records that help us with our foundational aspects of life, or even go beyond and bring us joy.
I like what you’re saying about honoring and respecting your things. This might sound a little woo-woo but when I do a deep clean, often on a Sunday, I will light a candle to set the stage or the vibe for doing something that beautifies the most important thing in my life. It’s my apartment. That’s my way of giving respect and honor to it. Also, whenever I use lemons, I collect the skins and put them in the freezer. I wash my floor with that. I put them in water. I’ve been doing it for years.
Such an interesting idea. We have to talk about flowers. We both share a love of flowers. How are flowers incorporated into your life?
A lot of ways. I’m a little obsessed. Flowers are important to me. I decorate with them. You haven’t seen the back wall of my apartment, but it is decorated with silk flowers up and down it, which is great when you’re on Zoom. It’s also a conversation starter. Everybody mentions it. I have decorated in other spaces.
A lot of my decor is in the shape of flowers. When I get flowers from people, I tend to dry them. I have a big stack on one of my shelves. Buying myself flowers and having them displayed is self-care. It’s spoiling yourself and adding something else fresh to your apartment, which can be important. Maybe we can touch on that. It adds beauty as well.
I buy fresh flowers probably once a week, in part because I don’t have plants.
I’ve noticed that.
I travel so much, so I don’t want to have to care for them or bring that in. Fresh-cut flowers are mine. I just get them at the supermarket, and I’m always on the lookout for when they’re on sale. I buy a little extra or whatever.
There are often big bouquets that are on sale on King Soopers.
I change the water often to keep them lasting a little bit longer. I trim away some of the ones that die just to extend their life a little bit.
It’s a beautiful thing to add into your day as well, spending time with nature in your apartment.
I would certainly encourage people to consider plants, even if it’s like succulents, things that are very low maintenance. They are wonderful in terms of air quality in terms of also having living things.
Having something to care for can be important for solo people.
Even just like having fish or having some pet. It doesn’t have to be a dog or a cat. That could be something a little less onerous.
To touch on location and having a relationship with your space and possibly your neighbors, as I said, I have the same best friend who has my keys who comes over and waters my plants when I’m gone.
Maintaining A Good Daily Routine
What about other rituals? It sounds like you have a lot of rituals. What are some other rituals that you might encourage people to consider as part of having their solo space?
One way to build a relationship with your space is to have a good morning routine. You’re interacting very closely with your space when you do that. For me, I have a coffee ritual. Therefore, I’m going into my kitchen in the morning. I’m interacting with my coffee machine and then I go back to bed with the coffee on my nightstand and read for about a half hour. I’m engaging with a lot of my space in a very special way each morning. I think this will have a bit of a snowball effect because you’ll want all these areas to be nice so that you look forward to getting up. Once you do, you feel calm.
I think that’s great. It’s very Winston Churchill of you. Do you ever have whiskey?
Not in the morning but I love whiskey. I’m a whiskey girl.
Winston Churchill spent a lot of time in bed in the morning doing work and so on. I’ll add one. I’ll often do my tidying up at the end of the day so that my space is super clean and ready to go for the next morning. I’m at my best in the morning. I don’t want to spend that precious time that I would use for creative endeavors, or it could be walking, for taking care of dishes or getting things organized. I will organize and often put my clothes out the day before.
You’re just like a schoolboy.
I picked this up from my mom. This was very much a mom thing. My sister and I were marveling at my mother because she was so on top of these things, and it just extended into our life. I don’t always put my clothes out, but sometimes I do.
My mom was strict as can be, and we had to make our beds every single morning. For a while, I refused to make my bed. Going back to the calm thing, respecting your space, and having a morning routine, there’s not a day that I won’t make my bed. Another ritual or routine, I have all wood floors, which I know a lot of people envy. I get comments on it every time someone comes over. I Swiffer the hell out of that place almost every day because having clean floors, you don’t realize it, but it makes a big difference when you’re walking into a space and they’re clean. Also, just having the Swiffer was a game-changer for me because it’s easy.
It’s great. I call it a quick clean. I don’t clean my full apartment. Rosa comes over and does that. I pay a professional to do it because I don’t like the cleaning that much. She’s 3 to 5 times better at it than I am. She’s a pro. In between, I do my quick cleans. I wouldn’t call it a ritual per se, but it is certainly like some indicator. I’m like, I should just go through the place real quick.
You could think of it as a ritual and then he relationship with your space might grow a little bit.
Making Your Solo Space Your Own
Let’s pivot to this idea of making your space your own. I’ll give you my lament about American culture, which is, we have infinite possibilities/options, and yet everybody seems to want to do the same thing, or want to wear the same thing. There’s a look, there’s a haircut. Suddenly, overnight, everybody’s carrying these Stanley jugs with their prints.
These things are contagious. For example, when I bought my house, it hadn’t been renovated, so I was renovating. I was working with a design-build guy who had excellent taste. This was in 2009 or 2010, one of the things that I said to him was, “I don’t want it to look like my house was renovated in 2009.” This is what happens, everybody gets the same countertops, and gets the same cabinets in their kitchen, and so on. I said, “Don’t give me the stuff that everybody’s buying. Give me some other options.”
It just can’t be the case that your sense of fashion is the same as everybody else’s sense of fashion. It just means that you’re not making any decisions for yourself. You’re letting the world tell you how to dress, how to behave, what to hang on your wall, what couch you should have, and so on. I like this idea of, what is important to you? What makes this space personal to you that is not cookie-cutter, that anyone could be living here?
That’s why I have the flowers on my wall. You would walk into my space and know that it’s mine.
It screams Janice. That’s right. How should people think about that? It is because they may not even have their own sense of personal style at the moment.
I suppose I would start with, what are your hobbies? How would you like to have that displayed somehow? Could be a starting point. Flowers are my hobby. I also think that collections can be important. I have a Frida Kahlo collection that I’ve grown over time. It wasn’t even intentional. I put it all out for display. I would say if you are a traveler, which I know a lot of the people in our community are. See what you can do to display something about your travels.
I think that’s right. This is a simple one. I haven’t done it, but I could imagine a world where I could have, especially as a younger man, as a 30-something. I have a collection of vinyl. You could very easily take the wall above your stereo and put up album covers.
Again, a hobby.
That reflects your taste and has a certain color palette that works to create this mosaic of, this is the music that I love.
I will also say, the wall that you have when you first walk in here, a lot of people in the community know that you are into your hats. You have them displayed. That’s cool. The first time I came over here, I was like, “Oh, a course.” That’s also creative.
I bought these wooden pegs. I think they’re technically like coat hangers. You screw them into the wall, and I have nine hats up in that way. Also, one of the things that I have loved about learning about design is that design unites form and function. The form of the hat wall is very clear. It’s a piece of art, I think, in a sense. It also is functional, which is, the last thing that I do before I walk out the door is put my hat on. I can just pick the hat that works with the outfit that I’ve chosen. Thank you for reminding me about that.
I want to add a couple little ideas that people might not consider off the top. I look if they’re on Pinterest, so I’ll get these ideas. Again, not everything has to be big budget. For example, just adding a couple of throw pillows to a couch or to a bed can make it a little more visually appealing and a little more comfortable for the person coming over who is going to sit there who wants a little bit of back support. If you have a wall, just painting one wall a different color. It creates a little bit of ambience. It may be very subtle like no one even notices it or mentions it.
Putting in the effort to paint a wall is a beautiful thing.
I’ll give you another example. My buddy E.L., you know from the cycling episode. E.L even as a young man had great taste. In his apartment, what he had done was he went out and bought all these old telephones with all different colors, styles, and whatnot. He had one next to the couch, one over here, and one on a shelf. Whatever. Maybe he had ten throughout his apartment. It was great. I thought it was such a great idea. You could imagine having old speakers or something little.
I have retro things scattered throughout that people get a big kick out of. I bought most of them through Instagram, as I was saying earlier.
At one point in time, I had little face- or head-related knickknacks that I had picked up around the world. They would just be on a shelf or on a table or something like that. That was nice because it gave me something to do when I was traveling solo. They were small, so they were easy to transport. They were often conversation pieces. “I love your ganache. Where’d you get it?” You could tell the story of finding it and negotiating for it. Again, I don’t think you need to throw tons of money at these things. Sometimes very simple little changes can have a profound effect.
I will reiterate the tip about houseplants. It makes such a big difference. It is very unique and personal what people pick out. I will say, if you’re feeling lost in all of this or not knowing where to start, I would say houseplants.
That’s a great place to start. Certainly. I have to say another one. It’s connected a little bit to rituals, and it has to do with your phone. You should have a place for your phone and for your things more generally that is outside of your bedroom. For example, I have a drawer where I keep my wallet, keys, and earbuds, and they always go in that drawer. It’s in my kitchen. It’s on the way out the door. I never have to search for my keys or my wallet. Some people put it in like a little container. They have a little stand by their door.
I have an old cake stand that is cool that I keep right when I walk in, the keys, sunglasses, and AirPods. I’m not as strict about my phone personally.
I advocate for people. I’m very lucky I don’t have to set an alarm in my life. That’s like one of the true testaments of true freedom, is you don’t have to set an alarm. When I do, I have an old-school alarm in my bedroom, and my phone remains in the kitchen being charged. That way, I’m never tempted to look at it at night. It gets turned off and put away before I go to bed, and so on. Having the right place for the most important things ends up being important.
It also goes back to clutter. A place for everything, and everything in its place. I don’t know where that came from.
What To Do If You Are Interested In Dating
I want to return just very quickly, about half the community is not interested in dating. One of the nice things about that is, you can make your place completely the way you want it to be. I would say that if you are interested in dating, and especially interested in having someone visit you. I’ve told this story once before. We’ll call her Daisy. I went back to Daisy’s apartment, and I was so horrified by her apartment.
I’ve had the same experience.
As much as I wanted to have sex with Daisy, I could not bring myself to have sex with Daisy.
I totally get this. I went home with someone once. I don’t think the carpets had ever been vacuumed. I felt so uncomfortable. Great tip.
Remember that people will judge you. By the way, they can’t help themselves. It’s automatic.
You’ll feel physically uncomfortable.
In the same way that you give thought to your dating profile, your outfit, and the restaurant you might go to, giving some thought to the space that someone’s going to come that they feel comfortable, feel welcome, and they might even feel a little titillated or excited kind of thing.
If you are sexually active, make your room some sacred space.
Clean your sheets.
You’re sleeping there as well but make it inviting. Make it a space where your sexual experiences will be special. I call it my sacred space. Also, don’t work in your room. I would say keep the TV out of there, sleeping, self-care, and sex.
By the way, I want to say this, I wash my sheets every 5 to 7 days. Seven days, I’m like, it’s about time. Some people can go longer because they shower before bed or whatever but wash your sheets. It’s good for you and your skin.
You notice a difference when your sheets are clean. I know a lot of people reading won’t be doing it as often as us, but I would challenge you to do so.
Having A Relationship With Your Solo Space
I just had to say that. It came to my mind. What are some final thoughts or takeaways reflecting on this conversation or something that we haven’t addressed?
I will simply say that forming a loving relationship with your space can change your life. It can change your solo experience. I would also encourage people to think of it that way, as having a relationship.
That’s well said. It’s a self-celebration. I will reflect on a few ideas. You don’t need a lot of money to do this well. It’s a matter of having a plan and doing it thoughtfully. Take your time. It’s not an overnight thing in the same way that tidying up might be a six-week process, and filling the space with things that reflect who you are and make you feel good.
I would say you don’t have to do it on your own. Even though you may live in the space alone, you may spend time incorporating friends, and advising other people. It becomes a community thing. Again, you get to be the ultimate decision-maker there. This is just input, advice, and so on. Recognize that it’s just going to be a learning process.
Thank you for suggesting this idea. It’s an outstanding one. It’s a fun one. It’s a fun project to have, especially in these winter days where you might feel a little bit stuck in your place because of the weather and so on. A little project here or there is a good way to get you moving and get you being creative.
I’ve been thankful for having my space in Denver.
Thank you so much, Janice.
Thank you. This was fun. Also, good luck to everyone out there who’s going to take this on.
One last thing, if anybody’s stuck around this long, I want to thank you. I have a workbook that is coming to the community soon. You were very kind to give me notes and feedback and so on. One of the exercises in the workbook is about your solo space. It’s reflected in there so that anybody who ends up buying the workbook, there’ll be at least one exercise that gets you thinking a little more deeply about this.
More deeply about your solo lifestyle as well. I encourage everyone to check it out.
Thanks. Cheers.
Cheers.
Important Links
- Janice Formichella
- Janice Formichella on LinkedIn
- Janice Formichella on Instagram
- Sex and the Solo Girl Podcast
- Buy Nothing
- King Soopers
- Peter McGraw
- Dr. Peter McGraw on LinkedIn
- The Solo Movement
- How To Tidy Up – Past Episode
- Coping with Loneliness – Past Episode
- Breakup Pod
- Sex and the Solo Girl on Amazon
- Truth Or Truth With A Breakup Coach – Past Episode
- Coping With Loneliness – Past Episode
About Janice Formichella
Janice Formichella is a breakup coach and the host of the podcast Sex and the Solo Girl. She is passionate about helping people from all backgrounds to beat their breakup, overcome loneliness, and make the end of a relationship the start of a powerful new beginning.